dj's notes and his thoughts

What if you are sent an email from someone you used to have a good time with, like this…. But you know that you are not deceiver, and you know what you wanted. At least you are being honest to yourself.

And It happens to me now..... gila kan!!

I haven't seen you in a week and a half, and I'm still hung up on you.
You texted me yesterday to say you are just too busy to spend time with me this week and hopes I'll understand. We all make time for the things that matter in our lives, so what I understand is that I'm not someone who matters to you. You tried to call me today, but I guess only for luring me back into you for another sex vista.

I don't know how to deliver it to you, because I know you'll start your speech about typical fags wanting so much for things. So here I am, writing this, wanting things. Things you can't afford. I don't know why, well actually I know, it's because you are a self centered, crippled narcissistic person with intimacy issues you bastard!

So, why do I keep going back to you? Well, your body is magnificent and I love how naturally dominant you are in bed. You know what makes me cum and you know how much pleasure I get from having my hands tied to the bed so you can whip me. You know talking dirty is the fastest way to turn me on and that I like it when you fuck me, hard.

You understand ownership and control and boundaries. You know how to hold me afterwards and say words like "I love you" to soften the pain.

You are my drug of choice.

But being with you only sporadically is killing me. When I'm alone in my apartment afterwards, I feel drained and quiet. I look at myself naked in the mirror and observe the marks you leave on my skin with a mixture of pride and revulsion. I can smell you on my hands and taste you in my mouth. I do nothing but think of how badly I want to see you again, how I would do anything to spend a few more hours in your arms,
how good it feels to be wanted and cherished and whole. I spend days trapped in a fog of sadness and anxiety. Will you want to see me again? How long will you make me wait this time?

Do you even think of me when we're apart?

How many other guys do you do this to?

It's like this again and again and again. Have another meaningless sex with other is helping somewhat, but not fully. Still don't know how people can deal with it.

I hate myself every time I justify this non-relationship with you. I hate craving something so destructive and worthless. I am smart, strong, good looking, and confident. I have a bunch of friends and a family that loves me. I keep busy with practice and clubs and a well-used gym membership. I am passionate and giving and sensual. I deserve a man in my life who will meet my needs both in and out of bed, but I have never found someone capable of both.

So I settle.

Afterall, it's only a message for you. I know you will be reading it since this is where you found your satisfaction of meeting strangers to fuck don't you. And why openly? Because it's my resolution from now on to stay single (and looking, hehe) for as long as it takes to meet a guy who does not make me feel like settling.

You are already exclude.

dj, no-regret-person-aku-tahu-yang-kumau